European Anti-Plutonian sentiment rising, this time it's personal

At the 26th General Assembly meeting of the International Astronomical Union currently being held in Prague, which is known for its defenestrations and whimsy, Resolutions 5A, 6A, 6B were discussed and voted on to redefine what it means to be a planet. Arrogant Bastards. Contentious debate raged over terms like local population and Trans-Neputian objects, the number of planets vacillated between 12, 10, 8, and of course the traditional (and correct) 9. When the dust had settled the reclassification of such Local Group minutia as planets, asteroids, dwarf planets, and Small Solar System Bodies had left all in the meeting battered and broken, while leaving us on this side of the Atlantic mostly confused and a bit miffed. In their infinite "wisdom", Pluto is no longer a planet but a dwarf planet. This development can only be seen as a gross act of jingoistic exuberance by the EU against the United States of America.

I blame France.

Apparently, they are still a bit peeved about EuroDisney™ and though they may be justified in their criticism; this astronomical interdict decreed by a kangaroo court of a scientific body is unrepentant planetism, and quite frankly it is un-American. Does that face look like the face of a "dwarf" planet? No, my dear reader, it is not. Pluto© is a testament to the creative genius of Walt Disney, though there is a strange ambivalence, almost a willful negligence when it comes to Goofy©. But more to the point, the issue before us is nothing less than a matter of nationalistic autonomy. Should we allow a bunch of Eurogeeks tell us what is and what is not a planet? The answer again is an obnoxious and Bud-soaked, never. If we allow this planetary 3/5ths Compromise to go on, it will only be a matter of time before we are all eating Nutella on Melba Toast, getting pumped for Red Bull's Flugtag and air-guitar competitions, and erratically switching between policies of multicultural co-habitation and forced integration as regards our minority religious and cultural populations. I urge all of you to contact your representative and demand that Pluto's right to exist as a full and participating member of the Solar System be vigilantly sought after. This is the exactly the sort of issue that can galvanize a nation during the midterm elections.

A Vote Against Pluto is a Vote Against America.